


Sleep-over of Doom

by Rowaine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, F/M, M/M, Other, Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest, crack!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 15:56:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3615714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rowaine/pseuds/Rowaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another crack!fic : There's a lull in the ongoing battle with Voldie, and Harry and the Weasley twins decide to liven things up. Severus gets caught playing chaperone, along with Remus and Sirius. (pre-OoTP)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleep-over of Doom

TITLE: Sleep-over of Doom  
  
AUTHOR: Rowaine  
  
PAIRING: SS/HP and other assorted insanity  
  
RATING: Eh... R at worst, but just to be safe.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Many thanks to the divine Ms JKR for her characters, world, and storyline. No money has come to my hands for the hours of writing involved in this story, more's the pity. We now take you back to the regularly scheduled fanfiction, brought to you by the letters F and G, and by the number 2.  
  
SUMMARY: There's a lull in the ongoing battle with Voldie, and Harry and the Weasley twins decide to liven things up. Severus gets caught playing chaperone, along with Remus and Sirius.  
  
NOTES: Part of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest -- Scenario 8: A house elf is insistant. First, I'm taking liberties both the official calendar, and with Gred & Forge's grade level. Second, this is intended to be silly. If you find it offensive, beyond stupid, or otherwise repulsive, please move along. And yes, I've borrowed (and stolen) several lines from movies, books, etc... Most of it was unconscious while I was writing, but I'm loathe to replace them now. I have a tendancy to view Dobby as the Star Wars character of Yoda... with a brain impediment. He's alot of fun, but it's hell writing dialogue for the little shit.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Sleep-over of Doom  
  
by Rowaine  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Part I  
  
"Bored. Boredboredboredboredbored!!"  
  
"I'm soooooo bored."  
  
"Me too, but what are we going to do about it? Even Voldie and his Death Dweebs are being lame these days."  
  
Sitting in their common room, Fred and George Weasley and Harry Potter had little else to do but twiddle their thumbs, waiting for something interesting to happen. Oh sure, they could be studying or practicing Quidditch, but there's only so much you can handle of normal in one week.  
  
Ever since Filch had found their entire stash of pranking goodies, the boys had been seen moping throughout the castle. They had even tempted Fate herself by starting a food fight, using Professor Snape as their initial target. Damn the man for keeping up a full-body shield charm.  
  
In between counting shed hairs (from Crookshanks, of course) on the couch and sipping a butterbeer, Harry's head shot up. "I've got it! We need a party. A huge party, with everyone from sixth and seventh year, and maybe some of the cooler adults too."  
  
"A sleep-over!" The twins shouted together. Eerie how they can do that.  
  
Emerald eyes sparkling, the Boy Who Refused To Die leaned toward his cohorts in crime. "We could get Dumbledore's help. You know how the old coot just loves wrecking havoc around here."  
  
"Yeah, and he's been losing some of his twinkle lately. I'll bet he's disappointed that nobody's trying to off you this year."  
  
"Oh please, there's been several Munchers after me. If Voldie would stop picking his dumbest minions for the task, they might actually stand a chance in hell. Lucky for me, but boooooooring!"  
  
The twins shared 'a look', rolling their eyes before answering, "Right. Let's go see Uncle Albert and start writing up a guest list then."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Twenty-seven minutes later, the trio of schemers were sitting in front of the Master Planner himself. Dumbledore called Dobby in to bear witness, and to gain his assistance in their designs. The jubilent house elf gladly accepted a saucer of tea and sat on the hearth, waiting for his next orders.  
  
"I see you boys have thought this through. Do you have any preferences as to your adult supervisors?"  
  
"Well, we were hoping to get Remy and Sirius, and Professor Snape."  
  
"Severus? Chaperone an overnight party with sixth and seventh years, and his only backup being the remaining Mauraders? If you can manage to convince him of that, and survive, I will personally see to it that each of you receives the Order of Loki, First Class!"  
  
"Wow!"  
  
"Brilliant!"  
  
"Order of Loki? Never heard of that one."  
  
"Similar to the Order of Merlin, but a far lesser known award. And much more difficult to accomplish the required level of deviance to be considered."  
  
"I heard that the Mauraders would have been up for it, had they ever come clean with their real names."  
  
"My DAD?"  
  
"Yeah, pity they don't issue OL's post-humorously"  
  
"You should be shot for that."  
  
"Boys, getting back to the subject..."  
  
"Oh, sorry sir. We'll owl Padfoot and Moony tonight, and tackle Snape when we see him next. That should be good for a laugh. He's been avoiding us all week."  
  
Muttering under his breath, Albus quietly understood his Potions Master's position. As amusing as this would be, the headmaster intended on taking a nice vacation to some secluded island during the weekend sleep-over.  
  
"If that is all, I'll wish you good luck and good night."  
  
"Night sir!" And three busy little bees buzzed out of the headmaster's tower.  
  
As the three young men made their getaway, Dumbledore leaned in towards his house-elf. He motioned the creature forward to whisper in his very large ear: "Oh Dobby, I think I should put you in charge of making sure Professor Snape agrees to cooperate with this little foray."  
  
"Yes sir, Headmaster Dumbledore sir. However Dobby can help!"  
  
"Here's how we should begin..."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Half an hour later, in the bowels of Hogwarts dungeons, Dobby lurked in the dark awaiting his prey. A lone black-shrouded figure approached stealthily. The only sounds he made were that of his flapping robes sweeping across the stone walls.  
  
House-elves weren't known for their intellegence, but most had a fair amount of cunning. Dobby was slightly smarter than his fellows, and had quite a bit of practice in helping Harry Potter and his friends playing pranks.  
  
Ears perked as his target came into range. With one well-aimed *thwoot*, a brightly colored ball of silly putty sealed a small piece of parchment to the Potions Master's pristine linen robes.  
  
His job completed, Dobby winked out with a *pop*, leaving a bewildered (and annoyed) Severus Snape to read the short missive from the house elf's favorite students.  
  
The professor turned around quickly, upon hearing the soft expulsion of air behind him, but saw no one or nothing indicating the source of the sound. He shrugged to himself and continued on to his quarters, thinking, 'This blissful silence has lasted too long. Surely something will happen to shatter it soon, and I'm willing to bet what's left of my soul that the next catastrophe will involve Potter or those damnedable Weasley twins.'  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Dear Sirius and Remus,  
  
It's with great pleasure that the inestimable Fred and George Weasley and myself, your beloved godson, cordially invite you to the first ever Hogwarts Sleep-Over. My companions and I humbly request your services in being our adult guardians/chaperones for the last weekend in March. Yes, my beloved pranksters, that would be March 30th and 31st, ending our little soiree on April 1st, just for you! Let it be known that we are also attempting to shanghai the adorable Professor Severus Snape into accepting the same position as your devious selves, and would allow plenty of opportunities for some quality male bonding along the way. RSVP as soon as you can! We're working on the details as I write.  
  
All my love, Harry  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Severus barged into his private quarters in a blacker mood than usual. 'Whatever the miserable curs are up to, I shan't get involved this time. Let Dumbledore deal with it. Or Minerva. Or the Pope! Anyone but me. A note, attached to my robes with silly putty! How dare those miscreants defame my favorite spring robes. And Albus wouldn't hear of me punishing on just a suspicion. Hrmph!'  
  
Pulling off the offended outer garments, he picked the remains of the sticky substance out of the fine fibers. Convinced he could do no more good cleaning, he reread the missive with a sneer.  
  
Dearest Professor,  
  
Please accept our sincere apologies for being obstructive in your classroom, in the halls, and in your life in general. We would like to make it up to you in some small manner, if you would permit. Over the last weekend in March, Headmaster Dumbledore has agreed to take a short leave of absence, putting you in the glorious position of Acting Headmaster. Think about it! A full weekend, three whole days, two wonderful nights, of taking as many points from Gryffindor as you want.  
  
Consider this small gesture a farewell gift from your two adoring students, Fred & George Weasley  
  
'It's a trap of some sort. I know that much... but the temptation... all the points and detentions at my disposal...' With an aggrivated sigh, Snape tossed the note on his desk, walking quickly in to take his nightly bubble bath.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
~Two weeks in to March~  
  
"Now boys, I hear you have been buttering up the Potions Master with your best behavior, bottles of fine brandy, and the occassional well-timed disaster so profound as to leave him giggling into his cauldron. Are you quite certain that he will accept guardianship for your party?"  
  
Twinkling madly once more, the Headmaster's eyes surveyed his favorite mischief-makers. The Twins From Hell and the Boy Who Lived sat politely in front of his desk, grinning from ear to ear.  
  
Answering for his cohorts, Harry giggled before admitting, "Well, he's still suspicious, but I think he's practically drooling over our inticements."  
  
"Go on, please. I would like to know what... arrangements you have made in my name."  
  
The twins exchanged one of those 'looks' before saying,  
  
"Well, you see sir, it's like this..."  
  
"... Professor Snape gets reigned in all the time..."  
  
"... By well-meaning members of the staff..."  
  
"... And we know he's dying to be set free..."  
  
"... So we sorta implied that he would have..."  
  
"... Carte blanche for the weekend, taking points..."  
  
"... To his heart's delight."  
  
Harry looked at the Headmaster, who raised an amused eyebrow. "I hate it when they do that."  
  
"Very well, gentlemen. I do hope you know what you're doing. Gryffindor's chances for the House Cup are at stake, as you well know. Your promise to him, however implied it may be, is sufficient to allow him total right to any actions he may take."  
  
"We know sir, but we've..."  
  
"... Got a plan to take care of..."  
  
"... That too! It's all set."  
  
"One of these days, I'd like to see if they're Siamese twins, joined at the funny bone," the Gryffindor Seeker whispered to himself.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
The next ten days went by quickly for everyone, except our trio of conspirators. Waiting on tetherhooks, they could barely contain their excitement. Invitations would be sent before dinner that evening to all sixth and seventh years, as well as notes to the remaining staff, warning them to head to higher ground.  
  
Harry's long-time friends, Ron and Hermione, scolded him severely for leaving them out of the plans. But with their romance blossoming, they hardly came out of the broom closet long enough to breathe. So the green- eyed wonder had had to find co-conspirators elsewhere... hence the mischievous twins.  
  
It all worked out rather well, although Hermione worried about her friend's grades often. Naturally, Ron's scores improved exponentially with the top student constantly on his tail (and in his lap) about completing assignments.  
  
As students straggled in to their common rooms after a sumptuous meal, exclamations of surprise, delight, and the occassional moan of impending doom were heard.  
  
Draco Malfoy began packing an overnight case at once, filling it with items charmed with shielding spells and his own supply of pranks.  
  
Neville Longbottom wrote a quick note to his grandmother, begging to visit for the weekend (she said no -- he rushed to the Infirmary for a Calming Draught).  
  
The Pavel twins and Lavendar Brown rushed to Hogsmeade for new nighties.  
  
Ernie McMillan also raced to the wizarding village, levitating several kegs of butterbeer back with him.  
  
Gred, Forge, and Harry waited on the steps of the castle for the last two Mauraders' arrival, quietly plotting amongst themselves. Just as the sun was setting, a pair of gentle hands landed on the twins' shoulders. The light brown hair and shining golden eyes of Remus Lupin greeted the trio, accompanied by a large black dog. Snuffles, the alter-ego of Harry's godfather, proceeded to bathe each young man with canine saliva until they plead for mercy.  
  
"How did you sneak up on us?! We warded every secret passage on the Map!"  
  
Sirius transformed to answer, "You didn't think we'd put *all* of our secrets on one measly piece of parchment, did you?"  
  
After a quick drying charm, hugs were exchanged all around. The Mauraders, the twins, and the Boy Who Lived walked arm-in-arm into the Entrance Hall, discussing what sort of mayhem they could bring to Hogwarts' student body in the next 72 hours.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Albus, you cannot leave me here without backup! I've heard about the mass exodus among the staff, thank you very much. What were you thinking, bringing Black and Lupin here to babysit with me? It's madness! It's inhumane! It's... It's... worse than Voldemort would have done as a test of loyalty!!"  
  
The only wizard ever feared by the current Dark Lord sat behind his desk, happily munching on a sherbert lemon. He loved his dear Potions professor like a son, but lately the old boy was becoming something of a drag. This sleep-over idea could be just the trick to loosen the (now frothing-at-the- mouth) Potions Master up a bit.  
  
"Really Severus, calm yourself. It's only one weekend, after all. Surely you will have plenty of fun deducting hundreds of points from all Houses. And then there's the lovely spirit of competition with Sirius Black for you to use, polishing your verbal weaponry. Don't view this as a punishment, my boy! Consider this weekend as every excuse to be as nasty and formidable as you've always dreamed to your favorite students."  
  
During his monologue, Dumbledore stood from his chair, walked carefully toward Snape (as an animal handler would to a rabid animal), and gently propelled the irrate professor out of his office.  
  
"There you are, Severus. Enjoy your weekend! I'll be back from Bermuda first thing Monday morning. Ta!"  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Before curfew that evening, every student under sixth year, as well as several timid upper years, had been safely locked in their Towers. The attending sixth and seventh year students and their three chaperones met in the Great Hall with bags and boxes of weekend preparations.  
  
Clearing his throat, Harry stood before the assembled masses. "Hi everyone. Glad you decided to join us... Things have been sorta dull around here lately, so we" - he motioned at the twins to join him - "asked the Headmaster to permit this party. We've already spoken to a few of you -- yes, you know who you are, thanks Terry -- to provide some entertainment. As soon as Professor Snape is ready, we'll head up to the third floor and lock ourselves in! Hope you all have a terrific time this weekend. Thanks!"  
  
The Potions Master stepped up beside the Boy Who Lived To Torment Him, wrestling control of his students' attention. "I've been connived into overseeing this fruitless venture, and let it be known now that I'm highly displeased about the whole situation. Even moreso of the Headmaster's other choices for chaperones. Most of you will remember Remus Lupin, and this is his pet, Sirius Black. No, he was not responsible for the crimes that landed him in Azkaban. Yes, he is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs..."  
  
As the professor rambled on with 'dire consequences' and other normal warnings, Sirius leaned over to his godson, whispering, "I hope you know what you're doing, but I sent out those last invitations for you. It was a bitch getting Albus to agree, but after he heard what you and the twins planned, he gave in."  
  
"Thanks, Siri! It'll liven things up, if they decide to show... Have you got everything I asked you to bring?"  
  
"Yeah, all shrunken in my pockets. Odd assortment you asked for. Gonna tell an old man what you're up to?"  
  
"Later. Let's allow dear Professor Snape to hang himself with rules and regulations first, ok?"  
  
"He did that years ago. But alright..."  
  
"... And I expect each of you to respect your Prefects, Head Girl and Boy, and the standard school rules at all times. Headmaster Dumbledore has assured me that any amount of point deductions or detentions received this weekend will stand, regardless the amount. Now, if you have everything you'll want for this debacle, follow me." In a swirl of black robes, the darkly attractive Snape led his students toward their destination.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Master, are you... sure about this? It sounds like a trap, sir!" The snivelling form of Peter Pettigrew, otherwise know as Wormtail or Scabbers the rat, fell to the ground in agony before he'd completed the thought.  
  
His irritable Lord Voldemort released him from the Crutacius curse saying, "Of course, it's a trap, you imbecile! For Mr. Potter and those buffoons in the Order. Whoever our inside source is, he obviously feels that the wards will permit a full-scale attack this weekend. Get up, already. Gather the Inner Circle quickly and prepare to attack Hogwarts!"  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
After several attempts at an orderly procession, Severus finally gave up. Yelling back to the werewolf, he barked, "Lupin, take up the rear of the line. Make sure no one deviates from our course. Black, at least attempt to act like an adult long enough to get everyone inside."  
  
For their part, the students would have followed Voldemort himself, just to watch the interplay between their snarky Potions professor and the animagus who always got on his last nerve.  
  
Turning down the final corridor, Snape cursed quietly to himself. He hissed in pain as his Dark Mark inflamed, drawing the attention of an equally- pained Harry Potter.  
  
"Sir, just keep going. Don't answer the call, please! He knows you're a spy..." The pleading emerald eyes of his least favorite student were sincere with worry, making Severus' steps falter.  
  
"Impudent whelp, of course he knows. After that last feeble attempt in November against your sorry life, the world knows which side I'm on, thank you. Now shut up and keep moving," Snape snarled, hoping to dispel the concern and hope (?) from the damned nuisance's gaze.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Just outside the wards of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the Dark Lord's Inner Circle joined their Master at the boundaries of the Forbidden Forest. Voldemort quickly took a headcount, tallying two short.  
  
"Malfoy, where are your cronies? Have you managed to lose Crabbe and Goyle finally?"  
  
"No, my Lord. They'll be along shortly, I'm sure. Unless they've splinched themselves again. With those two, there's no telling." Ever calm and graceful, the senior Malfoy began to perspire under his Master's malicious stare. "Perhaps we should ignore their absence, until such time as you can properly chastise them, of course. Tonight's mission is much too important to wait for them, my Lord."  
  
Staring down his followers was one of the former Tom Riddle's favorite pasttimes. In short order, the silver-haired wizard looked away, once again pleasing his Master. "And Lucius shows some of his Slytherin cunning at last. Come, my servants! Let us take the last bastion of the Light and crush it. Let us humble that pompous Albus Dumbledore. Let us..."  
  
And the tirade went on, taking up precious time, but making the Dark Lord feel more secure in his sadism.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Most of you have never been in this hallway, showing uncommonly good sense." A quick glance at his students to insure their undivided attention, before Snape lectured on, "The third floor is a remnant of older times, when the castle itself would shift to suit whichever Headmaster it served, and his or her whims of decorating techniques. Its last use was in guarding a particular magical relic. Perhaps some of you might have heard of the Philosopher's Stone? Yes, well, that's what was hidden in this area. For the coming weekend, we will be utilizing this floor to prevent any permanent damage to the primary sections of the castle."  
  
Several snickers passed through the crowd of teens, earning them the trademarked Slytherin Death Glare.  
  
"Pipe down, you juvenile delinquents! If you are quite done displaying your childish tendancies, we will proceed into the main chamber. Lupin, I expect you to take count as they enter, report to me any student missing from the roster. Black... just try to keep out of trouble until I've safely locked the doors."  
  
With a tired sigh, Severus chanted the unlocking spell to permit passage. In the back of his mind, however, he felt a tremor of unease. 'Voldemort's nearby... but how near?'  
  
"Sir, excuse me... Can I speak with you privately a moment?"  
  
Snape was jarred from his thoughts abruptly, finally focussing on the speaker. "What do you want now, Potter?"  
  
Blushing slightly, Harry softly said, "Sir, I think he's about to enter the castle. Shouldn't we... I dunno... lure him away from the younger kids? With all the rest of the staff gone this weekend, they're defenseless!"  
  
The Bane of Gryffindor broke character entirely, moaning loud enough to attract the attention of passing students and Sirius Black. "Of course, why wouldn't he want to join this little party of yours. Such a splendid time to drop by for a visit, with Dumbledore sunbathing on a tropical island."  
  
"Er, sir. It's not as bad as it could be. We've got alot of great students here, if we can just get Voldie to come to us, instead of raining fire and brimstone in random areas."  
  
"Of course, Potter. For three decades, experienced wizards and witches have fought the Dark Lord's power, failing every time. But under your lead, a handful of hormonal teenagers will overthrow him with your fake wands and parlor tricks. By all means, go invite the most evil wizard currently breathing to join our celebration."  
  
Snape hoped the sneer he bestowed on the boy would be enough to scare the little bugger away from his plans, but Harry was placed in Gryffindor for a reason -- his blind courage under ridiculous circumstances. The Potions Master watched in horror as his student (for once in his scholastic career) followed his instructions, grabbing that damnedable mongrel in the process.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Contrary to most people's beliefs, the Inner Circle of Death Eaters were hardly the most intellegent or loyal of Voldemort's followers. They were, however, the most likely to have spare chocolate frogs for their Lord and Master, and could sing his favorite show tunes on demand.  
  
Avery Nott, for example, was particularly good at vaudville. Far from entertaining with a rousing can-can dance, the spindly wizard approached his Lord with great hesitation. "Master... shoudn't the alarms have been tripped already? Where are the teachers, the Order members, even the students?!"  
  
"Not now, you blithering fool! Hand me my flag, McNair. I'll climb to the highest room in the tallest tower, replacing Dumbledore's insignia with my own. Ha! Take that, old man!"  
  
Sensing another round of madness from their evil leader, Malfoy and Nott backed away carefully. Their movement caught someone's attention, although perhaps not who they expected.  
  
"HEY VOLDIE! We're having a party on the third floor, if you and your Munchers wanna join the fun. Hope you brought your invitations and some crisps!" Scampering out of the shadows, Harry Potter raced up the stairs into darkness.  
  
His rapid announcement and departure left the Dark Lord Voldemort in a fit of fury.  
  
Stage 1: annoy and lure. Mission accomplished.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
The sounds of enthusiastic industry echoed off stone walls. Even before the final dozen students had entered the main chamber of the third floor, the Weasley twins had set up booths for 'entertainment' purposes. Terry Boot, the Pavil twins, and several others had manned their respective forts, offering distractions for their hyperactive classmates.  
  
'At least they'll have a short period of fun before all hell breaks loose.' Severus couldn't shake the feeling that this whole situation was planned. His ingrained paranoia had kept him alive over twice as many years as his first nanny had predicted. 'And perhaps Potter stands a fair chance of surviving once again. The Boy Who Refused To Die simply delights in proving me wrong... Harry, prove me wrong once more, please.'  
  
Lupin stood beside the door, unwilling to shut them in without his mate and their godson. Beckoning the Potions Master to join him, Remus quietly said, "Severus, they'll be back. The castle's on our side, if you'll remember. All we have to do is keep the doors open and our wands ready. I'll go speak with the Weasleys about traps, shall I?"  
  
Nodding absently, Snape could do no more than stand back and watch in horror. The Weasley family had spent more years than he'd like to admit wrecking havoc in his classroom, shortening his temper and fraying his nerves. For once, he was grateful that their energy would be spent elsewhere.  
  
The sounds of running feet from the stairwell broke Severus from his thoughts. Black and Potter were... *skipping* down the hall toward him!  
  
"What in bloody blazes are you two doing?! Get inside so I can lock these doors!"  
  
Two ginger heads popped over either shoulder, distracting Snape's tirade at their fellow Housemate. "Now now, Professor. We wouldn't want to disappoint the other guests, would we?"  
  
Severus dearly wanted to hex the freckles off of the Gryffindor Beaters. He settled on growling at them, "It would please me to no end to do just that. What else are we supposed to do with a dozen Death Eaters and the Dark Lord bearing down on us?"  
  
"Well, sir... We've got a few ideas about that..."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Nott, pick up Pettigrew and carry him if you have to. Stupid rodent can't even manage three flights of stairs at a jog. And Wormtail, you're going on a diet after this outing!"  
  
"Yes, Master" was the response from both named followers.  
  
True to Lupin's words, the castle was against Voldemort and his group, changing stairs at random intervals and moving corridors so that they couldn't circle back. The Dark Lord's frustration sent sparkles of magic flickering from the end of his wand, the tips of his fingers, his eyebrows, and drops of spittle from his mouth.  
  
Malfoy watched with equal measures of disgust and intrigue. Power he sought, but manners were far more important. He would have to begin the search for another Lord soon.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
Part II  
  
"... You're out of your minds!! Do either of you honestly believe that Voldemort, the Dark Lord himself, will fall for your childish pranks?!"  
  
Harry and the Twins From Hell let their Potions professor wind down. Gathering all his vaunted courage, the Boy Who Lived placed a soothing hand on the older wizard's sleeve. "Snape, it'll work. Voldie isn't expecting any resistance at all, let alone this type. And the students won't be running around in fear, since they're already tipsy on butterbeer. All we have to do is get Draco and his gang to follow our lead. They're the loose cannons, but I doubt your Slytherin Prince wants an ugly tattoo to mar his delicate silver beauty."  
  
The twins snickered at the thought, but Severus privately agreed with Harry's assessment of the situation. Draco was more vain than his father, and would do anything to get out of service to the Dark Lord. Making a snap decision, he called his Slytherins over to join the discussion.  
  
"Quickly, we haven't much time. Draco, I can assume that you still intend to defy your father's wishes?"  
  
"Yes, sir. I have no intention on marrying Parkinson."  
  
"Not that, you moron."  
  
"Oh, well... I'd rather not get my nipples pierced either just yet..."  
  
"NO! About receiving the Dark Mark!"  
  
"Oh, yeah. I've already told him no. He keeps trying to bribe me though, so I'm waiting to hear the best offer."  
  
More snickering from the twins, until Fred leaned over and whispered in the blond's ear. Several shades later, the Malfoy heir announced, "No sir, I will not accept the Dark Mark. How may I assist you, Professor Snape?"  
  
Watching the volley, the Slytherin contingent immediately followed their leader in offering their aid. While Snape was occupied issuing orders, the twins gathered Harry, Remus, Sirius and several of the booth attendants, voicing their suggestions.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Finally. The third floor corridor, on the right hand side. Large double- doors stood opened, allowing a soft light to illuminate the handful of students lingering near the entrance.  
  
Mere feet from the doorway, a red-haired teen in busboy garb intercepted the Dark Lord and his followers. "Excuse me, sir. This is a private party. Do you have an invitation?"  
  
"Er, yes of course. Wormtail, where did you put that bloody card?"  
  
A two-foot tall figure dressed in garish orange and green socks and a tea cozy snuck up behind the rat, handing him an engraved parchment. Dobby whispered to the Death Eater, "Heres you are, sir. Make sures all your friends get inside!" And he promptly disappeared with a *pop*.  
  
"Right here, Master." *Whap!* "Thank you, my Lord."  
  
"Ah, very good. Party of thirteen? If you've brought gifts for your hosts, you may leave them on the table just inside the door to your left. I'll take your cloaks and masks; you may retrieve them as you leave, naturally."  
  
Several mutterings: "We were supposed to bring presents?" "No one told me this meeting was for a party! I would have worn my dress robes." "Oh damn! Lucius, may I borrow your comb?" "Pettigrew, get off my foot before I rip it from your body."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Inside the third floor's main chamber, the Weasley twins were racing in circles, insuring that all their party favors were in place for their black- robed guests.  
  
"Now Terry, make sure your girls point out this sign to anyone wearing a mask." Fred snickered to himself, firmly adhering a plaque to the kissing booth. It read, simply:  
  
No shoes? No soul? No service!  
  
On the other side of the chamber, George had the Slytherin contingent coralled. "Pansy, I expect great things from you and your ladies. These are some of the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes greatest inventions, and you are the first to test them out! Make sure to hit all the DE's at least once, and if you can finnangle Voldie to try your make-over spells, I'll personally worship your body for a month this summer."  
  
Eight Slytherin witches grinned between themselves, eyeing the well-formed redhead appraisingly.  
  
Harry was faring well on his end, keeping Sirius occupied with Lavendar's fortune-telling corner. The animagus and the ditzy blond seemed to get along well together. Spying his Potions professor, the Seeker slunk across the room, dodging excited students.  
  
"Psst! Professor Snape?"  
  
"What could you possibly want now, Potter?" Severus' disgruntled voice was a bare fraction of his normal 'liquid sex' baritone.  
  
"Well, sir. Everything is in place, but you're still so tense. I thought I might help you relax some, before Ron admits our latest guests."  
  
Eyebrow raising a quarter inch, the professor's face showed signs of suspicion. "How do you propose to do that, Mr. Potter? I hardly think this is the time for you to fail yet another quiz."  
  
"That wasn't exactly the type of tension-relief I had in mind, sir." A wicked twinkle in his eye, Harry dragged the older wizard through a side door, locking it securely behind them...  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"For the love of Salazar, can't you morons do anything right? Take up a bloody collection, if you have to! This is a party, and I will not tolerate you being rude to our hosts." Serpentine, he might be, but Lord Voldemort fought to maintain the airs of aristocracy. "You, Malfoy! Surely you've got something up your sleeve for such an occassion."  
  
Pinned by his red-eyed Master, the slippery Slytherin searched his pockets, finally coming up with a large crystal. "An unused soul stone? It's the best I have on me, my Lord. Many apologies for being unprepared."  
  
Deep sigh. "I hope you realize that when we leave, I'll have to hurt you badly, Lucius."  
  
"Of course, Master. Thank you for noticing me."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Fifty points to Gryffindor, Mr. Potter. I expect you to tell me where you learned such technique, after this mess is straightened out."  
  
"Naturally, Severus. It's been a pleasure."  
  
Fastening his robes, Harry left a very satisfied Potions Master to compose himself. The Gryffindor Golden Boy wanted to be on time to greet his parents' murderer, after all.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Through years of practice, the youngest Weasley son had learned how to snicker without moving his facial muscles -- a trait that kept him from degnoming the garden on more than one occassion. This trait came in very handy while watching the Dark Lord and his minions bickering over gifts, hair care products, and places in line.  
  
"Now, if you would step inside one at a time, I'm sure someone will be on hand to greet you. Enjoy your evening, Dark Lord and gentlemen." With a flourish and a bow, Ron waved his hand toward the open doors.  
  
Voldemort elbowed his way back to the front, insisting (in a very childish voice) that he be allowed first in line.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Severus joined Harry and his godfather moments before the red-eyed Dark wizard entered. They had adopted a quiet corner of the room with a great view: from here, they could see all the booths and the main doors, and were only seconds away from any of the students should they need help.  
  
Watching the feared Dark Lord push his way through the bumbling Death Eaters caught most of the students' attention. A murmur ran through the crowd, announcing in whispers, "That must be the stage show! Brilliant! I hope we get to throw pies at them."  
  
Lucius stood at the back of the line, clearly unwilling to enter the trap. He turned to slink back into the shadows, but was stopped by the same wide- eyed house elf.  
  
"Scuze me, Master Malfoy sir, but yous can't leave yet! Theys giving free manicures inside, and yous has an appointment, Master Malfoy sir. Don't want yous to be late, no!"  
  
Dobby pushed the reluctant wizard through the door, closing it behind them with a solid clack. The house elf placed several strong spells on the door to make sure no one left the party early, then *popped* back to the kitchens to retrieve the midnight snacks.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Whispered into Snape's ear: "Remind me to have a special t-shirt made for Dobby next week."  
  
Response to Harry: "Whatever for? And what would it say?"  
  
"He's the reason the Death Munchers were all locked inside. It should read something like 'Best Elf Bouncer'."  
  
"You lack imagination, Mr. Potter. Let me think on the topic for awhile."  
  
"Sure, Sev. Anything you want." With a wink, the Golden Boy walked away, swishing his arse at the professor.  
  
'Damned whelp is going to be the death of me. But oh, what a way to go.'  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
From his vantage point, Remus watched with glee as several Death Eaters were denied their turn at the kissing booth. Pettigrew in particular was near tears. That Parkinson girl had steered her large friend over to the elder Malfoy, who was putting up no fuss as he was led to the beauty salon booth.  
  
Voldemort had been 'captured' by the remaining Slytherin witches, dragged in to their parlor for gods knew what. The only thing Lupin knew for certain is that their booth held over half of the Weasley twins' latest inventions. With a gleam in his golden eyes, the werewolf went to locate a camera.  
  
'Dumbledore would hate to miss this!'  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Lavendar Brown had been the target of much amusement since third year. She loved Divination class, and practically worshipped the instructor, Trelawny. Her petty classmates delighted in belittling the subject and teacher alike. But tonight, the blond Gryffindor witch held a spotlight.  
  
"Do have a seat, Mr. Nott. You have such an interesting aura! Let me see your hand, please. Ah yes, a long love line... Wonderful! But your life line is unusual..."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
The wizard formerly known as Riddle was surrounded by pureblooded witches, each stunning in their own right. Torn between duty (to seek and destroy that Potter brat) and flattery at being the center of attention, Voldemort gave in to his more human side. Mentally cursing what little was left of his male hormonal urges.  
  
Spell after spell was placed on the Dark Lord. Creams and powders applied with care. Reams of shimmering fabric held up for inspection. If given three seconds to consider his position, he might have been wary of such positive attention.  
  
As it was, certain other spells kept his mind from veering from the lovely ladies lavishing him with soft caresses and sweet smiles.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Millicent hated her role in life.  
  
For whatever reasons, she was damned to always getting the dirtiest jobs in Slytherin House. But this time, she figured that her luck had turned just a bit. As long as the only feet she had to massage and oil belonged Lucius Malfoy.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Fred and George stood at the main doors, patting their baby brother on the back. The three ginger-haired wizards surveyed the room, laughing to themselves at the bewitched and bewildered Death Eaters.  
  
So far, not a one of them had gotten farther in their search for the Boy Who Lived than being snagged by one of the 'entertainment' booths.  
  
Bless those Slytherin girls! Terry's harem were doing marvelously at taunting and teasing Pettigrew. Ernie had snared Avery in a drinking contest (and slipped firewhiskey in the Ministry wizard's mug). Malfoy's tootsies were being blissfully molested by the stocky Bulstrode girl. Lavendar had entranced Nott, reading his fortune with the assistance of her mentor's favorite incense -- a mixture of sage and cannibas. McNair had accepted a seat at the Ravenclaw's poker table, and was currently losing his shirt. In the literal sense. Who knew they had it in them?  
  
The two or three remaining Death Eaters were headed toward the back of the room. Exchanging a wicked grin, the twins flashed a signal... With a sizzle of sound, a low stage came into view right in front of the Dark wizards. Hermione, dressed in a sequined evening gown, beckoned them onstage, daring them to sing along with the kareoke machine.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Three hours later, and most of the Dark wizards had made the rounds. Voldemort was still being primped by Salazar's Sex-goddesses, but no complaints could be heard. Several long tables appeared in the center of the room, laden with goodies. Students nibbled with contentment, watching the big bad boys acting like complete fools.  
  
Pettigrew had his hands slapped several times by fellow Death Eaters for trying to grab all the eclairs.  
  
Still standing in his chosen hide-away, Remus went through numerous rolls of film. Catching the Dark Lord's followers on film was as good as a one- way ticket to Azkaban for them... But snagging them in such incriminating positions was worth millions at the Daily Prophet.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Snape soon relaxed his guard to normal (for him... ie: very anal retentive for most folks), and permitted himself the pleasure of watching his former friends making idiots of themselves. In most cases, this wasn't a long trip.  
  
Ever observant, he also spotted several couples making off to the hall's auxillary rooms. 'Well, Albus promised me unlimited point deductions. Now's as good a time as any!'  
  
Slinking behind booths, Severus made his way to the first door. From the sounds inside, at least two people were enjoying themselves quite a bit. A quick spell later showed... Draco Malfoy and the Weasley twins? The door closed as rapidly as it had opened, with the Head of Slytherin House shaken.  
  
A soft hand landed on his shoulder. "Severus, if you're looking for a quiet spot, I can suggest a few places that aren't currently occupied."  
  
"Begone, daemon child! Er, sorry. I've had a bit of a shock. Did you know about..." He gestured to the closet. Seeing his student's grin, Snape suspected he lacked much information about the love lives of the upper years.  
  
"No worries, luv. Just let them be. Everyone's protected this weekend, by Dumbledore's orders. Now, unless you'd like to join those three, what do you say to finding our own dark corner, hrm?" Harry smiled slyly, running his hand down the professor's back, gently cupping his arse.  
  
"Stop that, Harry! Merlin, how can you even think to leave *them* in here without supervision?"  
  
"Easy. Remus and Sirius are paying attention, and we've got a few others watching out for tricks. Besides, Dobby promised to make their wands... impotent for the evening." Another wicked grin. "Come on, Severus. After tonight, it'll be tough getting together without the world finding out."  
  
The stern Potions Master nearly melted. The Boy Who Lived had a pouty face that was surely illegal in most countries. "Only after I've had a talk with your godfather and the werewolf."  
  
Deep sigh. "Fine, but don't talk too long, ok? We had to rush last time..."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
With the twins' directions in mind, Sirius kept half an eye on the Death Eaters, and the other half on Voldie. The rest of his attention was on a certain lycanthrope and his deliciously tight pants.  
  
Shaking his head free of those lusty thoughts, the animagus found himself with an armful of drunken Dark wizard. "Avery, you dog. Can't hold your liquor against teenagers? Let's get you someplace quiet to sleep it off." Sirius practically carried the slender Death Eater behind the stage, letting him slowly slide to the floor.  
  
Years of being a Maurader, and being an escaped convict, had given Black numerous interesting abilities. One of them being pickpocketing. Avery's wand slipped into one of his inner pockets, as the animagus returned to the party.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Pettigrew was the next to go down. One can only be slapped by indignant females so many times before finding one's self in blissful oblivion. The Hufflepuff beaters took great pleasure in depositing the rat beside his unconscious brother-in-slime... after beating him within an inch of his miserable life.  
  
Remus stood by, snapping pictures throughout the process. He knew several people who would pay good money for *those* shots.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
McNair's leanings toward the rougher types of play led him into many odd situations. Few had ever provoked true fear in him; even his Master's wrath was rather predictable by then. His major deficiency was his lack of intellect. The Ministry's least favorite employee was a firm believer in brawn-over-brains.  
  
It was rather funny, therefore, that this particular Death Eater landed in the midst of a half dozen Ravenclaws. Many of whom were out for blood. Strip poker was hardly taxing on the mind, but strip poker against bookworms who could count cards and curse wandlessly led to serious problems for McNair.  
  
His body ended up painted with unpleasant graffiti, each slogan insinuating his love of certain species of animals in inproper ways. Clad only in a neon pink thong, the Ministry's officer was tossed beside his two fellow minions.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
One by one, the Dark Lord's followers were deposited behind the kareoke stage. Stripped of their wands (and often, their cloths), the Death Eaters were unceremoniously bound and gagged, left to the whims of Dobby and his friends.  
  
A grinning house elf is a scary sight.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Snapping her fingers, Pansy called for a full-length mirror. She smiled, turned her victim's chair around, and cooed in pleasure at her masterpiece. "Voldie, darling! You look smashing, really. How do you like it?"  
  
Standing to one side, Remus clicked away, capturing this moment for all time. 'I never would have believed it without being here...'  
  
The potions and pranks left by Fred and George had done wonders for Lord Voldemort's complexion. And hair (or lack thereof). And... gender. What was left of the feared Dark Lord somewhat resembled Narcissa Malfoy with a boob job.  
  
From the next stall over, Lucius roused himself long enough to throw a kiss toward his wife's impersonator, before slipping back into a massage-induced trance.  
  
Voldemort himself... er, herself... expressed several emotions before settling on cautious approval. "How long will this new look last? I've always wanted to know, do blonds really have more fun?"  
  
The giggling Slytherin ladies took Voldie's hands, leading him/her over to a tea service for some quality gossip.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Scuze me, sirs. Dobby must take out the trash before anyones falls over them."  
  
The hyperactive house elf floated two Death Eaters behind him, popping out of the room. In a flash, he was back for the next in line. With the last trip, the Weasley twins (and Draco) managed to slow the creature down enough to question him.  
  
'Hey Dobs, what are you doing with these guys?"  
  
"They is bad men, Master Gred. Dobby is putting them where they can't hurt anyone. Headmaster Dumbledore will wants to deal with them when he returns."  
  
Watching the elf bob his head during his little speech, Draco's face turned slightly green. "Hey guys, can we let him get to it? We've still got people to do and places to see."  
  
Twin looked at twin, silently communicating. "Right! Who's next on the list?"  
  
"Er, you two are really scary sometimes." They snickered in agreement. "Anyways, I thought we could tackle the ex-convict. He's got a great arse."  
  
George's grin got bigger, listening to his new lover. "You want to seduce Harry Potter's godfather? Sweet! Come on, Fred."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Remus had just finished taking pictures of Susan Bones teaching Voldie ("Please, call me Valerie") how to line dance. He reloaded the camera with a fresh role just as the Dark Lord, er, Lady began to sing "I Feel Pretty" on stage. Deciding that he could afford a break, he headed off to grab some punch.  
  
En route, he spotted his childhood friend being dragged off to a dark corner with none other than the Slytherin Silver Prince and two grinning Weasleys.  
  
Bringing the camera back out, the werewolf followed behind the quartet at a respectable distance.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Mmm, s'not greasy at all. But I definitely like you better without all the black robes in the way."  
  
"Silence, insolent whelp. Oh, umm.. Yes, right there."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Pansy delivered a tray of tea to her fellow Housemate, whispering a short message in the larger girl's ear. Never breaking rhythm, Millicent continued massaging her victim's calves, muttering soothing nonsense to the sexy silver god.  
  
Through the euphoria of pleasure, Lucius smelled the hot beverage, reaching over to grasp a delicate cup. He sipped carefully, letting the warmth of the liquid trickle down his throat.  
  
It's not a very long trip between the semi-wakeful state of a good massage and the utter unconsciousness of drugged slumber. The senior Malfoy put up no resistance to his one-way ticket to oblivion.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
'They must be getting sloppy, leaving the door ajar like this. I've never known the Weasley twins to be so careless.' Remus had followed the three students and his best friend into the farthest corner of the room, watched them slip inside the large storage closest, and listened to the sounds of sloppy kisses being exchanged.  
  
What he didn't count on was being ensnared in the snog session.  
  
Four freckled hands reached out of the darkness, dragging the lycanthrope inside to join the smaller party. He might later protest his lack of consent at the non-verbal invitation, but at the moment, his mouth was rather full of someone's tongue.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
In another closet...  
  
Harry's naked body wrapped around the Potions Master's taller frame. The Seeker cuddled into a more comfortable resting position, idly petting the ivory skin of his professor.  
  
"Y'know, Sev, we could find a way to continue this," he said softly, nuzzling the silky black hair.  
  
Snape snorted at the thought. "Impractical. While the school rules are not completely clear concerning student-teacher relations, your fan clubs would protest such involvement."  
  
Another lethal pout. "Who cares about them? Don't we deserve some fun in life? Severus, you've spent too many years serving other people's wishes. Let yourself have a good time for a change."  
  
Hands stroked smooth skin, petting and caressing. Several minutes later, the Golden Boy spoke once more, voice very quiet and subdued. "Honestly, Severus... I don't want to give you up. At least say you'll think about it, please. Don't say no just yet."  
  
Flushed red lips passed gently across the lightning bolt scar. "I shall think about it, Mr. Potter. For the time being, perhaps we should rejoin the rest of your classmates? It would be most inconvenient if any were to be tortured while we are otherwise occupied."  
  
"Sure, luv. But they're fine. By now, Dobby should have all the Munchers trussed up in the Headmaster's office, and Voldie should be pretty toasted on the twins' liquid pot potion. 'Just a dab will do ya', as the package says."  
  
"They didn't!"  
  
"Oh, but they did! Come on then. You should see for yourself, since you're supposed to be in charge."  
  
Both dark-haired wizards proceeded to get dressed once more, with Harry derailing them often to kiss and snuggle. Severus was hardly an apathetic target of such attentions.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Halfway through the soundtrack to "West Side Story", the kareoke machine was unplugged, causing "Valerie" to become quite miffed.  
  
"What wretched infidel shut down that delightful machine?! I demand music! How dare you think to get away with such blasphemy as to stop Maria from mourning her loss!"  
  
Passing the transgendered Dark Lord one of the twins' soothing cups of tea, Pansy led him/her off the stage to a pouffe. "Valerie darling, it's a simple Muggle machine, and cannot keep up with your own magnificent stamina. Here, have some biscuits while the box cools off, hmm?"  
  
Somewhat mollified, "Valerie" allowed herself to be plied with iced goodies, while she cast frequent glances at the smoking kareoke contraption.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Wow."  
  
"Is that the best you can do?"  
  
"Er, holy men?"  
  
Several sets of chuckles. "Nothing much 'holy' about this group."  
  
"Fine. Bloody amazing then. Better?"  
  
"Getting there. But maybe it's time for us to head back out there. The grande finale is coming up, and we shouldn't miss our entrance."  
  
In the darkness of their hide-away, five wizards attempted to get dressed. The shuffling of robes and boxers was an exercise in futility, and they eventually resigned themselves to sorting it out later, in a better lit room.  
  
Opening the door to the main chamber, Remus and Sirius looked over the teens' heads, taking a quick glance at the subdued atmosphere. Silence from the stage. The snack tables emptied. Most of the students paired off on their own romantic trysts.  
  
With no sign of Harry or Snape, the last remaining Mauraders shrugged to each other. Remus patted his friend's shoulder, consoling him with, "You knew the lad had a crush on the greasy git. If he's managed to capture his target, just sit back and be happy for him."  
  
"I know, Moony... It's just gonna be hard. It's *Snape* after all." Sighing deeply, Sirius hugged his mate as they walked back into the main chamber. "But it'll be fun teasing the snarky bastard, won't it?"  
  
"Just remember, no comments about robbing the cradle. Considering where we've spent the past hour, it would be hypocritcal of you."  
  
"Oh fine. I'll just smirk at the sorry snot. Is that better?"  
  
"Much."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
With the mischief-makers slowly regrouping, Dobby double checked his hold over the Death Eaters one last time. As per the Headmaster's wishes, they would remain alive and in relative good health.  
  
House elves held a magic unlike witches and wizards. Few humans would ever fully comprehend their powers, or the capricious nature of their magical abilities. Once 'hired' into a wizarding family or establishment, the diminuitive creatures had the power to protect their household in numerous ways.  
  
Dobby snickered to himself as he tested the bonds on Pettigrew again. He knew that there was no hope for the animagus rodent to escape this time. A fact which would make the Great Harry Potter very pleased. Dobby hoped his hero would remember him fondly with a new pair of socks.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Remus, I would like a word with you."  
  
"Certainly, Severus. Step into my closet?"  
  
"You should leave the witty reparte to those who are more proficient at it."  
  
"Of course, thanks for reminding me." Closing the door with a locking spell, the werewolf regarded his former classmate. The man certainly was looking less... repressed. "Now, what can I do for you, Professor Snape?"  
  
"A fine time to begin using my title, Lupin." Snort. "Since I was left out of the planning of this extravaganza, perhaps you could tell me what young Mr. Potter had intended on doing with the Dark Lord and his followers."  
  
"I could, but wouldn't it be easier for you to ask Harry yourself?"  
  
"Er, yes, well... He's gone off to find some of the Hufflepuffs for something. I would just as soon not become involved with whatever that House thinks of as entertainment."  
  
"Ah, I see your point. Well, if I remember this stage correctly, Harry is moving the non-combatants out of the primary hall as we speak. Those students who would react badly to the final stage, that is."  
  
"And what, praytell, is the final stage?"  
  
"Er... ask Harry."  
  
Fumbling for his wand, Remus made a hasty retreat. He refused to explain *that* step of the plans to anyone.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Susan, make sure all of your Housemates and the rest of the girls are accounted for, please."  
  
"Yes Harry. Thanks for clearing this room for dancing! It's been months since the last Ball."  
  
"No problem. Once you're inside, we'll lock the door so none of these drunken goons can interrupt your fun, ok?"  
  
"Great! You're a doll, Harry."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
The Weasley twins had gathered their brother, most of the Slytherin wizards, and the other sober males still present into a huddle at the main doors.  
  
"Alright people, here's the idea. You've all done it, so don't be shy now. We're going to give the Dark Weenie a dose of lurve that'll send his soul into Malfoy senior's present. Does anyone need a Pepper-Up potion before we begin?" Fred surveyed the thirty wizards in a loose circle around him, content that they could produce enough energy to do the job.  
  
George chuckled at his brother's side. "We've got an idea to provide inspiration for most of you straight blokes. But the important things here are that we've got to aim our loads at Voldie's face *and* we've got to shoot all at about the same time. If anyone's got problems with cumming too easily, take a minute to get the first load off, alright?"  
  
The Potions Master had been listening from the sidelines, his eyes becoming wider with each passing moment. "Surely you aren't suggesting..."  
  
"Oh but we are, dear Professor." Harry's hand laid across the older man's arm once again. "This will work, if we can time it right."  
  
Raising his voice to be heard by the assembled wizards, the Boy Who Lived addressed the group, "Alright guys, here's the plan in blunt terms. We've got Voldemort drugged and in drag, with his powers depleted from one of the twins' handy pranks. Last week, I was reading this book in the Restricted Section, and I found an old spell that is supposed to banish the victim into the lower levels of hell... or a handy soul stone, which Draco's father kindly gave us this evening."  
  
The twins hugged their new friend and partner with enthusiasm, causing the blond to blush violently.  
  
"Anyways, the way it works is fairly simple. We put His Moldiness in the center of our circle and wank off on him. We've got to hit as close to his face as possible, since the more semen he wears, the better the spell works. And you get bonus points for spraying his eyes or up his nose."  
  
Severus grabbed his messy-haired student, spinning the young man around to hiss in his face, "Harry, you can't seriously think that *this* will succeed where Dumbledore has failed for years!"  
  
"Sure it will, Sev. Think about it. The Headmaster is terrific and all, but he's old enough that the pipes don't work right. Why would he have thought about using a sex spell to remove Voldie's body and soul?"  
  
Stumped by such warped logic, Snape allowed Harry to continue.  
  
"Now, as the twins mentioned earlier... There are potions ready for you to use, if anyone needs a recharge of energy." He grinned at the twins, Draco, his godfathers, and Severus, as well as a few others. "I'd also like to add that anyone making fun at their neighbor's equipment will be subjected to two months detention with Snape *and* Filch, so don't get cocky about it, ok?"  
  
A much-needed wave of laughter flowed over the group, breaking tension and making most of the assembled eager to get on with the show.  
  
"Now, if you're all ready, let's get Voldie to set the mood for us, eh?"  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
The Dark one in question was currently trying on string bikinis. In paisley, plaid and polka dots. At the same time. No one said that fashion sense was a requirement for world domination.  
  
A discreet comment from Malfoy Junior had the transgendered target changing into a skimpy gold thong and pasties, to the delight of the teenaged boys. Ron snuck over to the stage and plugged in the kareoke machine, putting on a sultry jazz number. With the men circling the only (relatively) female present, Sirius began a chant requesting "Valerie" to dance.  
  
Still happily high from the laced tea, Voldie swivelled her hips, getting into the flow of music once again. The first dripping pricks made their appearance, causing a chain reaction in the newly-formed, fully functional woman's body. Nipples hardened, stomach muscles fluttered, and thighs spread... increasing the number of flies opening.  
  
In natural progression, Voldie dear had a full audience of hard cocks aimed her way, as she swirled in circles to Ella Fitzgerald. Slow pelvic thrusts caused low groans. Quick bump-and-grinds brought gasps and glistening drops of pre-cum. Sucking on fingers had even the less heterosexual males to speed their fists.  
  
Harry and Severus watched each other for inspiration. Sirius watched Remus, who watched the twins, who were framing Draco. The sheer level of hormones raging through the room was enough to cause a stampede in most livestock (which would have felt right at home for some of these gents).  
  
Flicking his wand behind his back, the Gryffindor Golden Boy set a timer above the Dark thing's head, counting down the time before the spell would be complete. He began the chant and was quickly joined by the twins. More voices picked up on the ancient language, even those who failed to understand the words.  
  
A brilliant flash of pink-tinged light flared around Voldemort/Valerie, just as the first spurts of jism fired into his/her/its face. Lost in orgasmic undulations, the Dark one missed the heightened levels of magic. Missed the words of the spell. Missed virtually everything happening around him, except the bliss of being showered with hot semen. (Yes, there's something Freudian about that, but hey, who knows why Voldie was so pissed at the wizarding world to want to dominate it in the first place, right?)  
  
Having already enjoyed themselves more than once that evening, Harry and Severus were the last two to cum, finishing the spell and throwing what was left of that evil soul into the charged crystal. Students and chaperones watched in fascinated horror as the mortal body of the most feared Dark wizard in recent memory began to... disolve.  
  
From his puddle of gooey blondness, Voldie cried out in a crackling voice, "I'm meltinggggggg!" And was no more.  
  
Snickering in relief, Sirius nudged his wolfy mate. With a wink, he whispered, "Oh yeah, feel the love, baby."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
The clean-up effort was more difficult than anyone expected. The liquid remains of the Dark Lord refused to be contained in any spell, glass, or container. Saving the day once again, Gred and Forge proposed a suggestion with one of their experimental Wheezes.  
  
They tossed a cube of a green granular substance at the mess, watching in satisfaction as Voldemort's "body" reformed into lime jello. Every head turned their way in amazement.  
  
"What?! You wanted to..."  
  
"... Clean up, and keep..."  
  
"... His body for proof."  
  
"This fixes the problem..."  
  
"... But won't let any..."  
  
"... Of his other followers..."  
  
"... Bring him back to life again."  
  
"It's hard to create flesh from gelatin, after all."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
One by one, the students began falling asleep, cuddled together in lumpy piles of teenaged bodies.  
  
Severus gave a sigh of relief, for once comfortable with the knowledge that it was *over*. All his years of spying at an end, the Potions Master allowed his shields down and relaxed into a blissful semi-aware state.  
  
The warm body snuggled at his side muttered, "Night, Sev. Don't stay awake too long."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
While the mass of party-going students slept peacefully, Dobby transported the last remains of Voldemort into a chilled casket, placing it beside his petrified minions in the Headmaster's office.  
  
As instructed, the house elf *popped* to a specified island, informing his employer of the evening's events. When the cunning old wizard made no move to return to his offices, Dobby mentioned a certain series of photographs. The spry geriatric bounced to his feet, hastily gathering his belongings, and Apparated back to Hogsmeade.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Morning came all too early for the revellers, but the fragrant aroma of strong tea and coffee brought them to full alertness. A huge buffet of breakfast treats was spread in the center of the room, tempting even Sirius "I'm not a morning person" Black to partake of the viands.  
  
Remus laughed at his mate's disshevled appearance, but the animagus was no worse for wear than most of the others present. Cleaning spells had freshened the air, but only so much could be done without removing the students first. With a quick check of his camera, the werewolf began snapping photos left and right. He had plans for a contest in the near future: Who has the worst morning hair?  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Rushing up to his office, Dumbledore eyed the house elf's gifts with glee. He tossed a pinch of floo powder into the fireplace, calling his Deputy Headmistress back to the school. At his request, she alerted the other staff members and several Ministry officers. Before long, the Headmaster's Tower was teaming with elated witches and wizards.  
  
Minister Cornelius Fudge insisted on speaking with the people responsible for such a feat. Dumbledore assured him that such was possible in an hour's time, and summoned Dobby once again to inform Severus of the situation.  
  
Offering the Minister of Magic a lemon drop, Albus settled himself into his favorite chair to wait for his 'sons' appearance.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Professor Snape shared at least one attribute with his childhood nemesis. He was a holy terror first thing in the morning. His fellow instructors took the farthest path around the surly Potions Master until he had consumed no less than a full pot of coffee.  
  
On only his third cup, Severus had yet to resemble a human. Which is how Dobby found him, relaying the Headmaster's request.  
  
"Professor Snape sir, Headmaster says yous must join him and the Minister in his office in an hour. Sir, doos yous need anything to get ready?"  
  
"Mr. Potter, deal with this overly loud creature at once. I am not prepared to cope with reality yet."  
  
Rubbing his eyes, Harry grinned at the elf. "Sure Dobs, we'll be up after we've given the greasy git a caffeine transfusion. Would you find several sets of clean robes for... Professor Snape, me, Remus, Sirius, the twins, and Draco. I think that should cover it. I'll relay the message, ok?"  
  
"Thank you, Harry Potter sir. I's telling Headmaster Dumbledore now!" *pop*  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Moony, turn off the sun, would you?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Padfoot, but you have to wake up now. We've a meeting to attend in a little while. It would seem that our final production number is getting reviewed by those Ministry morons."  
  
"Gah! We can read our reviews in the Prophet after lunch."  
  
"Sirius, get up now, or I'll be forced to tell Snape about that incident in seventh year regarding a handy levitation spell, a pair of omniculars, and the Hufflepuff Quidditch team."  
  
"You wouldn't!"  
  
"I would. Now sit up, drink your tea, and start acting like a human."  
  
"Slave-driver."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
The twins woke without too many complaints, and agreed to rouse their blond companion. He seemed to share his Head of House's difficulty in facing daylight.  
  
Several mugs of steaming liquid later, Draco squealed, ducked his head beneath his rumpled robes, and ran into a closet.  
  
The two snickering redheads decided that their lover was cute in hysterics, and they should find a way to make his hair more... energetic... in its morning appearance.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Severus," a soft voice whispered in the Potions Master's ear, rousing him from a half doze. "Sev, you have to wake up now. I've got fresh robes and another pot of coffee for you, luv."  
  
"Five more minutes, mum," was the muffled reply.  
  
"No dearling. You have an appointment with the Headmaster in half an hour. Chin up some, Sev. Don't want me spilling it down your chest, do we?"  
  
"Mrphm, g'way pest."  
  
"There ya go. I added a bit of Pepper-Up to this mug, so maybe it'll have more of an effect. We really need to get the others together. Dumbledore will expect you to be the spokesperson, y'know."  
  
"Barmy old fool."  
  
"Yes, I'm sure. Now raise your arm a bit, that's a good Potions Master. The other one? Wonderful, Sev. Just a little more, and then for your buttons. Why you've got to have so many damned buttons, I'll never understand."  
  
"They shine. Pretty."  
  
"Oh, right then. You're silly. And three... two... one... Ah ha! Welcome to the world of the living, Professor Snape. It's a pleasure to have you join us. How much of the past thirty minutes do you remember?"  
  
"What in blue blazes are you blathering about, Potter?"  
  
"Headmaster. Minister Fudge. Voldemort and lime jello. Meeting. Soon."  
  
"What... Oh hell! Where's the mutt, the werewolf, the twins, and Draco?"  
  
"Getting ready, luv. Finish your coffee?"  
  
"Mmm, very well. How did you know how I take my coffee?"  
  
"Years of Snape-watching. It comes in handy for all sorts of things."  
  
"You'll have to tell me later."  
  
"Much later." Snicker.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
When hot caffeine failed to produce the desired results, Remus conjured a large glass of icy cold water. He took aim, and splashed his mate in the face, stepping back several feet quickly.  
  
Spitting and cursing, Sirius' eyes opened wide, looking for the culprit. He spotted his werewolf holding an empty glass, growled, and charged.  
  
The effect was spoiled, thanks to his shoelaces being tied together. But at least the animagus was awake.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Draco, you have to come out! Fudge and Dumbledore are waiting upstairs to interrogate us. Your hair is the least of our worries."  
  
"No! You can't make me. Go AWAY!"  
  
Switching tactics, Fred shoved his twin out of the way. "Dray dear. If you don't join the party, we'll let Remus show all his lovely pictures of you doing the Macarena last night. In a purple teddy."  
  
A muffled scream proceeded the cautious opening of the closet door. "You wouldn't dare."  
  
"Not a good thing to say to us, luv. We'd dare anything. But if you ask nicely, we might convince Remy to hide that roll..."  
  
"How much will it take? My father is filthy rich, you know that. I want the originals and negatives."  
  
"We can discuss the details after this meeting. Get dressed, babe, and if you're that worried about your hair, you can borrow a hat."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Ten minutes till show time. Harry yelled over his lover's shoulder, calling the reluctant Draco and Sirius to stop fooling around. Despite Dobby's offering of fresh cloths, all seven wizards looked bedraggled and haggard.  
  
Listening to his godfather heckle the Slytherin Seeker, Harry privately understood when Malfoy began lagging behind the group. Thankfully, he didn't have to handle Draco's defection.  
  
"Master Draco sir, yous has to join the Headmaster's guests now. No going back to bed for yous! Up, up, up the stairs!" Poking and pushing, Dobby marshalled his charge into the Tower office. With a quick spell to an empty chair, he shoved the nervous wizard into the seat, gluing his arse in place.  
  
Severus and Harry came in next, quietly bickering about who would tell which part of the story. A wicked gleam began in Dumbledore's eyes as he watched the interchange.  
  
The twins followed, dragging Sirius between them, with Remus taking up the rear once more. The house elf's stay-tight trick worked on the animagus too, forcing him not to lunge at the incompetant Fudge.  
  
Those Ministry officials and professors gathered for the meeting watched in varying degrees of amusement or aggrivation as the two black-haired wizards argued. Offering a solution, Dobby produced a silver Sickle.  
  
"What's this for?"  
  
"Call heads or tails, and we flip the coin."  
  
"Er, and let chance decide?"  
  
"Exactly. I'll let you call it, Professor."  
  
"Fine. Tails."  
  
Flipped in the air, no one saw the twiddling fingers working their magic. The coin came down in Harry's hand, heads up. He whispered to the Potions Master, "You'll get tails tonight, Sev."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
Lunch was delivered to the gathering, since Fudge required each of the seven "suspects" to give full testimony in turn. His personal bodyguards were preparing to drag the man back to his office, they had become so frustrated with their boss.  
  
Finally, Dumbledore called a halt to the interrogation. "Cornelius, you cannot place blame on these boys. They have done us all a great service by ridding the world of Voldemort and his Inner Circle. I believe several Orders of Merlin are called for, don't you?"  
  
To his horror, the Minister of Magic watched each of his staff agree with the Headmaster, applauding the seven wizards responsible. Fudge's control of the situation was rapidly being lost, causing him to become frustrated and bitchy. "No Albus, I believe it calls for a full inquiry. And these... wizards should be held for questioning by trained prosecutors."  
  
"Really, Cornelius, there's no need for that. One brings forth prosecutors to deal with criminals. These brave men before us now are heroes! And just think how the public will react, watching you reward them with Medals of Honor and Valour. Thousands of voting witches and wizards in the crowd, seeing you shake hands with the very people responsible for the Dark Lord's defeat."  
  
Torn between his greed of power and an irrational disgust at the "heroes" before him, the Minister made the only choice that wouldn't cause his political suicide. "Of course, Albus. We shall begin plans for the celebration this afternoon. Perhaps by Wednesday, we can alert the wizarding world of the good news."  
  
With a flourishing bow, the disgruntled politician swept down the stairs, his employees on his heals.  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
"Now boys, I understand that there are photographs from last night..."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
One week later, Severus once again found himself in blissful solitude. Far away from the screeches of the student body and his fellow staff members. Hidden from the press, flash bulbs, and Quik Quotes Quills.  
  
Sinking into his favorite leather chair, the Potions Master hummed softly as he thumbed his way through the latest scientific journal. He was about to call for a house elf to deliver tea when Dobby *popped* in for a visit.  
  
"Professor Snape sir, yous must come quickly! Master Harry Potter is in the Infirmary, and needs yous now. Headmaster Dumbledore says to brings your special bag of potions. Quick please sir!"  
  
Curious and concerned, Severus grabbed the cushioned container of delicate draughts and followed Dobby to the hospital wing. Upon arrival, he saw several familiar faces huddled over one bed.  
  
"Well, what's happened this time? And why did you need my... oh my... is that...?"  
  
Dumbledore's twinkling eyes met his potion professor's onyx for an instant. "Yes, dear boy, I'm afraid it is. Harry Potter has contracted a rare allergic reaction. It would seem that we must keep the lad away from all flavors of jello in the foreseeable future."  
  
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~  
  
End


End file.
